Regret 2/19/07

Maybe one day it won't be there,
The pain will subside,
I'll be released;
But somehow i know,
It will always be there,
Eating away at my insides,
But the smile won't fade;
Maybe he won't notice,
I hope so,
Maybe he will,
I hope so;
Even within my mind
The turmoil won't cease,
Desist,
Stop;
Yet somehow it's comforting
-that my conscience is not clear;
I am not evil,
An animal,
Emotionless,
And guilt cannot avoid me;
My right,
My gift,
Given by she who turned away
-her best friend,
Maybe even lover,
But love?
ha!
Who deserves a lover like me?
Only the worst,
The most decrepit, worthless creatures
-to walk the Earth;
Maybe a ghoul or goblin,
I should wait for Halloween;
But the pain is well-deserved,
Destiny has finally caught up,
Not gratuitous,
Yet somehow fulfilling,
As if I've waited for this pain
-all my life,
How satisfying pain can be,
And how scary this must sound;
No not cutting myself!
How pathetic that would be,
and not actually hurting myself;
But pain can go deeper:
Lieing
-to yourself,
Taking away
-what you most crave,
Comments
-that maim the soul;
By the end my soul should be dead,
But it still lives, barely;
Not for long.


worthless

he speaks,
but all i hear is silence
because the eyes are alight
-with animation,
another attempt to suffocate
that which is already dead,
but he does not understand
and i listen, but barely,
he starts to defend himself,
why?
i am his follower,
in body, mind, and heart;
why, then, defend?
i do not know,
suddenly his eyes go blank
and he leaves,
to exercise his thoughts away;
while i'm left,
pondering my pettiness.