'True' Happiness

today i talked to my dad about what 'true' happiness. (quotes because how can u really define true)
so he said lots of things....about living and achieveing what u desire....he desires something he still hasn't achieved.....he talked about the quality of life.....how no matter what career choice i choose, i will always be comfortable because America has a good standard of living-not like India......he talked about life being give-and-take.....a compromise always......but thats not what i wanted to know...

i asked if u can find 'true' happiness by living as others wish u to live......

i do not mean to the extremes, such as ur enemies wishing to die so u commit suicide.....no...
...i mean to say those who love u.....why not live the way they want u to live.....

...a few days ago my mother and i had a talk......i finally realized something-which she hesitantly admitted to.....

i would be successful in her eyes only if i become a doctor.......and that is the truth.....

see my dad wanted to know what my goal was in college......what i plan to accomplish......achieve.........i had the shame of saying i wasn't sure....that i would find out in college......i didn't have the privilege of figuring out what i wanted to be when i was 4 yrs old....those kids who end up knowing what college they plan to go to, figure out all the scholarships and graduate sooner than people like me who go to college and try to figure out why the heck they're there....my mom said that this is the problem in this country-that we go to college with the idea that we can figure it all out once we get there.....that was a low blow.....she has been saying that to me for a while-i thought she meant it sincerely.....apparently not......

......why shouldn't i be a doctor-i see no problem......i certainly won't be unhappy.....ill be successful to my parents......ill be saving lives-something that is worthwhile and not a waste of my life.....not to mention being financially stable enough to spread the wealth to those who need it.....and being able to take care of the ones i love because i know the medical procedures very well.......my dad noticed that my grandpa was having speaking problems after a routine check-up at the doctor's office where they took some tests.....something had happened that could have grown to a big problem if my dad had not noticed it and asked the doctor to make sure he was alright......so many bonuses of devoting my life to a highly accredited lifestyle......

so tell me, is it really wrong to live by the wishes of ur parents?

my dad said it was wrong, but he might have said different if i told him what specifically i was talking about....

A Bit of Empathy 4/30/08

He paused for a moment
In a silence of unrest,
Then turned as quickly
As if someone had slapped him,
But the words were only truth
So it tread on his memory,
Bringing out the bitter solitude
That everyone has,
Till a lone soul dares to ask
With a fear of being ignored,
So to wait a moment
Would be a domino-effect,
Leaving the bitterness in another
To be unveiled another time,
But he turns
Whether through a bit of sympathy
For the kind,
Or hope to be understood
Through the eyes of another,
A desire we all tend to feel
Some point of our tender lives,
And a speel of words disappear
In the noise of life,
Leaving the body language
To be interpreted for the slightest bit of understanding,
And as the emotions puddle out
In a rhythmic flow,
As if waiting for the right chord to start,
Before beginning the allegro,
I smile inwardly
Because however unwitting my actions were
To him and others,
Somehow appreciation grows in my heart
Developed from the infinitely loving
One.
And although the hope to be revealed
From the obscurity of my unseen action remains,
I withdraw with resolve
And a smile deeply within,
Tenderly kept as a little secret
Only he can ask to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well its been a while. sorry! but i picked my college-LOYOLA UNIVERSITY! and am so excited. finally the stress is gone. yes! so i gtg. but ill try to keep posting. hope u like the poem. :)

well today i found out someone i would rather not have read this blog is reading it. maybe even frequently.

well.....i was almost to the point of delelting this but then i thought why should i let that person control my life, my thoughts, my actions.......this blog is the one place i can write where i feel no criticism and feel like it doesn't matter what i right because those who read this understnd me and i can just let it all out. *sigh*

i guess this means that person will get to know me.....even if i don't want them to......it seems to me as though they're understanding me all wrong though.......but maybe if i keep typing, they'll understand me one day......but until that day i will keep typing,

and typing,

and typing....

My Mother

imagine a high, naturally loud voice of a mother:

"you have to make a compromise between being american and indian"
~in her mind americans have no feelings and are heartless, thinking only of themself before others, unlike indians

"you remind me of Rinu"
~possibly the worst insult in the world-from her perspective

"when i was your age, i never thought about boys, and love, and never dated"
~when i clearly remember her saying she went on a date (even if it was with all her friends there too), i remind her of this, and she says it wasnt a date....as she goes on yelling i wonder why she tells me this-its not like ive gone on a date anyways.

"i never thought about boyfriends or having them at your age"
~i remind her that i never had a boyfriend and she pauses only slightly before arguing on about something else

"you should not worry about love. when your older and wiser you'll find someone you can love but make sure he's the right one"
~after this comment im totally confused, she says not to fall in love, and then to fall in love

"you didn't listen to me, did you?"
~when she talks about me consistently talking to a boy she dislikes with a passion because she thinks i fell in love with him

"you did like him didn't you?
~when she talks about the same guy, i say it was only a crush but she is not listening, or does not understand that its human to have crushes

"you still talk to him don't you"
~when she refers to the boy who has moved on and is now engaged to his girlfriend of more than 6 months

"you put him above your parents"
~i ask when i ever did that, another pause and she goes on about something else

"why do you even think about this stuff?"
~i say i have to because she always brings it up, she does not agree

"just don't think about all this stuff, boys and marriage, just study"
~well why didn't you say that in the first place

everytime i think ive settled everything in my life, evaluated and understood what i must do, it all screws up again. i hate it all. even thinking about it makes me sick. i don't wanna eat or rest. just keep working and working till there's no more work to do. but what do i do when there is no work left. stop thinking?

hello fellow americans!

so today was voting day....i couldn't vote.....and am probably not gonna talk about voting throughout this post so really the title doesn't suit it.....but oh well....

anyways...

The Boy Named Hamlet

at a distance, his appearance creates the impression of a boy,
but the eyes deceive his facade
and he is out in the open,
viewed as his true nature-
revenge coursing through his veins,
a past love only a hindrance,
yet he is played by the rest-
the ones most dear,
but try as they might
his voice does not break,
but leads on as the truth always does,
leaving most speechless
while the rest are spellbound,
for who knew he would act so boisterously
bellowing taunts at passersby,
only to glare at the true victim he desires,
to commit a crime of deep hate,
curious as yet whether the truth is truth
or rather if the deceit is well directed
for it can come from any direction,
whether the compass points in the right direction
is another question to ponder,
but the time that comes,
ready for the crime,
is too pure for the victim's sins,
and the boy walks into the shadows
to wait for a more opportune time,
to reveal the dues of a dead man's soul
and permit the ghost to rest in peace,
and many consciences to lay in submission,
before the end of turmoil,
from a life's final breath.


~ thats a pretty cool poem! anyways if uv read hamlet u might understand, but it still my perspective so unless u know me, truly, u won't really understand it.

anyways kids never procrastinate.....course this advice will go unheeded. fine go and procrastinate but don't blame me when ur rushing to finish ur homework in school.

hmm.....i like snow. its no pretty. the trees are all white, everything is so white, so pure, so incandescently beautiful. :)

so i don't really know what to type. i did one of those quizzes which tell u about ur self. apparently i dislike being alone and always need someone there. hmm....i don't really think so-if need be i have my books......that probably sounds really unsociable and geeky but oh well. i truly don't care.

u know those fantasies that girls have about the knight in shining armor? well im hoping.....not today of course-let me mature a bit first......but hopefully one day my guy will come.....kinda scares me to think of this stuff though...cuz right now this is totally not possible for me....and probably not gonna be for atleast a couple of yrs.....

anyways college is around the corner. :(....:).......we'll see how it goes.....*sigh* gosh its been long since ive written in my diary.....i blame blogspot!

k......i really don't know what else to write......is it bad to believe ur parents 100%......that everything they say is true?.....cuz thats kinda what i do.....im very obedient.....and am a bad liar......put them together=no social life. :/

well now im done. homework time...:((((......

not a bit like a pessimist

well, i think i was just being moody or somethin cuz yesterday seems like a totally different me!

have u ever felt like there's so many parts of u-like ur made up of so many people that half the time u don't even know urself how ur gonna act about somethin or react to somethin.
well i feel like this sometimes-especially when i kinda get depressed and then i realize 'wow im such a moody teenager' no wonder they say teens are moody.

and aud- ill try not to kick out love just yet because ur comment is refreshingly comforting. and to tell u the truth its not that im lookin for love-im more like scared of it....in a way.....kinda complicated.....

anyways i don't feel moody today. YES! i again tell u all to be optimistic! and yes ricky ive heard of that in the movie 'VIVAH' right? i love that movie. (hindi movie that is a cute lil love story) so thats all folks. ha! bugs bunny! :P

a bit of a pessimist

amazing how much u can tell as stranger and yet not to the ones u love. right?

emotions, feelings, everything is bottled up from them.

why?

because we care what they think, what they feel, how they perceive us and hope not to lose them

a stranger is a nobody, they'll just walk away but a loved one can hurt u-they have the weapons and that's all that scares us into secrecy.

better to stay incognito then to be hurt, right?

and so here i am typing away to nobody....and yet somebodys.....

to tell the truth-i believe im becoming a bitter pessimist of 'love'.....

-just the fact of putting that word in quotes should prove my point.

i mean there is no such thing-really!

'love at first sight'=lust

how can anyone love someone and then have their eyes stray elsewhere?

and 'true love'? i thought that is with only one person and he/she is someone u never forget.

i see no proof anywhere of this 'love' stuff. oh yes i am a romantic-slightly ironic don't you think?

anyways i enjoy watching those mushy chick flicks and i love the beauty of it....the little romantic notes......the looks of passion......giving up everything for that person....

but just because i adore those movies does not mean i believe- i know it is a fictional world created by imaginations of those who desire a perfect lovely world.

all who have had an arranged marriage say to have a love marriage, all who have a love marriage say to have an arranged marriage....

truly im actually sick of thinking about all the is 'love' crap.

and i knew i was becoming a bitter pessimist when i was watching a movie and the guy says 'i love u' .....suddenly i was just filled with hate and frustration like how the hell can u pretend and say u love someone. it seemed so meaningless and empty. as if there is no such thing as 'love'...........*sigh*

see im becoming a pessimist. its actually kinda scary cuz id rather be an optimist-its so much easier.....one of the reasons im trying not to think about all these thoughts....

i used to believe in it. it seems so naive now-to believe in something without proof or experience.

and now? im not really sure what changed.....maybe i just gave up?......SEE?! PESSIMIST!

*sigh*

k im done thinkin about this. its annoing. :P.......seriously i advise everyone out there to be an optimist-its SO MUCH easier!!!!!!!

;)