have you ever felt like life seems to just fly by without your consent?
it's like a fly that pops up out of nowhere and right when you're about to smack it, it disappears.
life keeps slipping by faster than i can stand it and it scares me.
i feel like i have no control over what's going on.
they say you make your own decisions but sometimes if you take too long, those decisions are made for you before you even know it.
right now i........i'm caught between a childhood dream and an adult lifestyle.
being a child with a simple dream is soooooo easy.
being an adult complicates things.............all of a sudden your caught between responsiblilties you never even knew you had...................

yesterday i was at a friend's house and somehow we came back to the subject of weight and (inevitably) everyone looks at me and says," you're sooo skinny" or "you're a toothpick" or worse "you need to gain weight". then i feel as if i don't fit in. im being pushed in a little alcove with no way out and it stinks. don't they know that the more they say that........the more i feel pressured to always keep looking the same way and looking nice because then im afraid that one day they'll be saying,"you know jessica, i remember when you were so skinny, what happened" or " jeez you gained weight". i mean seriously it makes me double, even triple more shy than i was before like at school or parties (especially pool parties b/c "im so skinny, bikinis look good on me") .
*sigh*
my friend's moving to texas.........i can tell she's very sad........i mean its so far away and she's afraid of change...........most of her friends are from childhood and they understand her but who will understand her all the way in texas....i hope she can get a new best friend who she can confide in and trust...........

anyways im sorry for taking so long to post............don't worry im not in a sad mood................just feel like thinking..........here are two poems: 1st one is a sweet poem, 2nd is a recent one.

Mistaken White Pillows (12/1/05)

The bright pillows overhead tear,
Sending showers of feathers down,
White,
Glistening,
Tickleing,
Playful little feathers,
Sinking beneath the meadows,
Softly tinkling like windchimes,
Humming in the air,
Sweetly dipping the frostbite,
Chilling all senses of fear,
Lively in their own innocence,
As feet reveal the tears,
Veiling the parched brown grass stems,
And seeding the dormant plowing-
Machines,
Thickly enveloping lovely houses,
Building in and of themselves,
Sweeping down in millions and millions,
'Deeming themselves most worthy of thee,
Seeming to tangle the daring plant life,
And ending in bright big pillows beneath.

My Grandpa & Me (6/28/06)

"Do you remember when you were a child?"
She asks this unconcerned,
And I think back to my younger years.

"You were born with a silver spoon."
i say, meaning every syllably,
And her eyes tell me exactly what I feared,

'I've heard this before'-her eyes tell me,
But my wounds she does not see,
And I'm reminded of those fearful jeers.

"Untouchable," they said and laughed,
While throwing rocks at me,
And keeping their distance as they leer.

'So much food we had to cook.'
I think, remembering the late nights
And how happy I felt, as holidays grew near.

'Gandhi helped Christians come up in society.'
I think while watching my careless granddaughter,
As the pastor speaks, and her eyes veer.

"You were truly born with a silver spoon,"
I say to her again, but all she does is smile
And "I love you too," I hear.

'I hope she understands one day'
I think while watching her grow,
And hope she'll realize the significance-
of my younger years.