a feeling of hopelessness......
yes that is how i've felt for a while now
college applications
GPA
ACT
6-yr med. school
leaving home
leaving friends
leaving security
meeting strangers
leaving my childhood
becoming responsible
start dating
fears of so much fill me with such desparity.
what can i do?
every second i just want to cry....
and then i have a job
so no time for homework
skipping some of swim practice
meeting fun new people that i know i can't hang out with unless we're at work(boys)
senior pictures
fear of failing
ready to give up, nearly
then i save myself, somehow
optimism spills in
negativity engulfs me
left with feelings of confusion
every second i just want to cry
stay away in a desolate, secluded corner
and for some reason i tell no one
why?
i do not know
i fear to let all in
yet it pains me so
what is wrong with me?
its not easy to speak
not easy to say what u want
what ur heart desires
and then i fear if i let all in
they may not understand
or they may ( in a guys perspective) start to like me
so i stay secluded
stupid decision right?
well yes im stupid
no doubts there
pressures from everywhere
who said senior yr was easy?
id like to give them a piece of my mind
.......
.......
i just.....
don't want to be old and regret
i want to experience all and none
security in doing nothing.
doing all that ur parents tell u to
Complete Obedience
how can u leave that?
how can u leave and go straight to independence?
so much fear
a frightened little girl
and yet the tear won't come
.......
......
atleast i let the words out
now maybe the tears will follow
maybe
........
........
posted by Jessica at 7:18 PM
6 Comments:
hmmmmmmm u got me thinking
first i think i almost cried......
but what i can say is that you think too much
you are still young and you still have to find yourself
just be yourself
dont worry too much
you have lot of time to have fun
just live the moment
and believe me there are ways to do it
don't say anything about crying
you don't have to cry
may be u might say i don't know you much to say this
but i did say it so no regrets
i think u r the most wonderful person i have met
you are clean at heart, kind loving caring i might run out of words
but just so that you know i m not saying to flatter you
keep smiling
keep writing
times change
12:33 AM
hey you know what i do
to get ride of stress?
i do something monotonous
like going down to the park
sitting on a swing
closing my eyes and taking a deep breath
and just start swinging
or i swim laps
or i run (not often
ok not at all
but i will start because
i need to stay in shape
ANYways)
or i turn on my music
and just sit in my papisan chair
(the green chair)
and listen to the music
and just sit there
feeling the music
and thinking of nothing else but the music
all those things i mentioned are great stress releivers
deep breaths especially
crying doesnt always work
so try one of those things
and you may be a very sheltered
young woman
but
you are probably more prepared
for the big world than i am
because your parents make you do stuff
like do the school fees
my parents do that
granted you dont pay for them
but you have to fill them out
id freak if my parents told me to do that
wow im kinda spoiled
anyways
you will do fine in the big world
leaving home, friends, childhood
are all good things in the end
it means you will become
a more... experienced person
there will be so much more about you
ugh... there is something spacific
that im trying to say
but i cant think...
you will be a much more interesting person
(not that you arent already)
but there will be so much more
for people to discover about you
it will be an enriching experience
what the hell am i listening to...
hang on
minor comercial break so to speak
you will be a better person for
the experiences
think about the possitives
not the scary negatives
because i know what you are thinking
about meeting new people
your obsessing about htinkgs like
wil they like me?
will they take advantage of me?
are they nice?
can i trust them?
will they hate me?
that kind of thing
dont worry baout that
just think about how
you will be a more...
GAH! there is a word i cant think of!
the same one i was trying to think of up top
but i think you get the point
and like i said
when the stress gets to high
write about it
cry
if that doesnt work
do something that doesnt require much thinking
(of your stressors)
take deep breaths
and stare at somehting very detailed and just think of those details
make patterns in the ceiling
in your comment to me
you said somehitng about me having a crush
were you pointing out the obvious?
like that fact that i like someone?
or were you emplying that someone likes me?
your comment could have gone both ways
and i was confused
damn symantics
damn english language
thanks for those words of niceness
do i really kame the whole room happy when im happy?
and im glad you dont think my laughter is annoying
it would suck to have an annoying laugh
7:12 PM
thanx for commenting
i dont know if it is
but may be
i vl tell u if i get to talk to u sometime
its all complicated
for me writing is like therapy so i write
same way as u do i guess
am i right?
keep smiling
ttys
10:21 PM
glad you liked it. i was worried it was a little too... something. i didnt want people to read it and think "should we be worried about her? is she going to go on a shooting rampage?" :)
3:53 PM
update damnit! and look at my blog :)
5:09 PM
have i told you to update your blog yet? oh it appears i have...
7:45 PM
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