well today i found out someone i would rather not have read this blog is reading it. maybe even frequently.

well.....i was almost to the point of delelting this but then i thought why should i let that person control my life, my thoughts, my actions.......this blog is the one place i can write where i feel no criticism and feel like it doesn't matter what i right because those who read this understnd me and i can just let it all out. *sigh*

i guess this means that person will get to know me.....even if i don't want them to......it seems to me as though they're understanding me all wrong though.......but maybe if i keep typing, they'll understand me one day......but until that day i will keep typing,

and typing,

and typing....

My Mother

imagine a high, naturally loud voice of a mother:

"you have to make a compromise between being american and indian"
~in her mind americans have no feelings and are heartless, thinking only of themself before others, unlike indians

"you remind me of Rinu"
~possibly the worst insult in the world-from her perspective

"when i was your age, i never thought about boys, and love, and never dated"
~when i clearly remember her saying she went on a date (even if it was with all her friends there too), i remind her of this, and she says it wasnt a date....as she goes on yelling i wonder why she tells me this-its not like ive gone on a date anyways.

"i never thought about boyfriends or having them at your age"
~i remind her that i never had a boyfriend and she pauses only slightly before arguing on about something else

"you should not worry about love. when your older and wiser you'll find someone you can love but make sure he's the right one"
~after this comment im totally confused, she says not to fall in love, and then to fall in love

"you didn't listen to me, did you?"
~when she talks about me consistently talking to a boy she dislikes with a passion because she thinks i fell in love with him

"you did like him didn't you?
~when she talks about the same guy, i say it was only a crush but she is not listening, or does not understand that its human to have crushes

"you still talk to him don't you"
~when she refers to the boy who has moved on and is now engaged to his girlfriend of more than 6 months

"you put him above your parents"
~i ask when i ever did that, another pause and she goes on about something else

"why do you even think about this stuff?"
~i say i have to because she always brings it up, she does not agree

"just don't think about all this stuff, boys and marriage, just study"
~well why didn't you say that in the first place

everytime i think ive settled everything in my life, evaluated and understood what i must do, it all screws up again. i hate it all. even thinking about it makes me sick. i don't wanna eat or rest. just keep working and working till there's no more work to do. but what do i do when there is no work left. stop thinking?