with a fever-or flu

Sometimes i feel lost,
As if i am swimming through a sea of nonsense,
Trying to find a clear path to follow,
And yet i feel so spoiled,
When someone you love is near-
Shouldn't you be happy?
And yet all i can think of is when i can be alone,
And when they are gone,
I want them to be here near me-so badly.

Why do i feel this way?
hmm......i guess i can only ponder the nights away,
till they return and i won't feel so alone,
Or maybe i want to be alone?
sometimes it is what i want,
and sometimes i just want someone here,
Someone to be here to hold me,
even when i don't want to be held,
just to be there,
even if i hate it
because on the days i want it,
it will be there,
the love-waiting for me,
but then it is the day no one is home,
and im left listening to music and doing homework,
maybe even cleaning the house,
just to keep my mind occupied,
tv is also a good substitute,
something mindless and taking away any brain cells left for thinking,
to stare at a screen till my head hurts,
a perfect time waster.
*sigh*
and now i am sitting here with my body sore,
my head in a cloud,
and my body too warm yet too cold,
the classic symptoms of a fever-or flu?
well a sickness nonetheless,
and all i can think is:
i wish someone is here,
just to hold me,
nothing more,
hug me till i disappear into darkness,
and soon waking up to find im still being held,
by someone i love.
I wish my dad was,
or my mom,
even if my brother was here he'd be out with friends so no real diff there.
well time to go,
see ya later.

After That Night 2/23/07

She listens to the voices,
Moving as if trained,
A pet for someone's enjoyment,
A tear for someone's sadness,
But she feels so shy and timid,
Now the time has come,
What should i do?
For it was her time to decide,
But soon after the refusal,
She came to realize,
It was not her choice at all,
But a farce of family lies,
She was as always a pet,
To follow someone's orders,
But not just any someone,
The loved ones who new better,
But did they know everything?
Of course they do she said,
So soon she figured out,
Loved ones can make you pets,
As pets are sheltered animals,
Not able to decide,
What's right or wrong or left or right,
How to decide to go,
And still she wonders further,
What i did, was it right?
But the more she thinks about it,
The more confused she becomes,
So she first tries to ignore it,
Then quietly to hide it,
And soon as time progresses,
She hopes the others come to hate it,
Even possibly to hate her,
But hate is a strong word,
And no one seems to care,
Just going around their normal business,
Floating in the air,
But she stays down-to-earth,
To keep a secret tight,
Or maybe just to lie to herself-
The secret is a lie?
So still she keeps the questions,
And ponders about the lies,
And secrets she may never know,
Of what things could have or might,
But stress is not all her worries,
Since statements are never said right,
So she stays stuck onto Earth,
As though living in a haze,
Regretting and yet not regretting,
What really happened that night.

No Person Can Be Defined

How can the broken hearted be healed
when the healer is in itself broken?

In a person's mind,
there is the wounded,
and the unwounded,
the helpless,
and the helpful,
But why are they separate?

A person is not all broken or all unbroken,
all helpless or all helpful.

A person is a mixture of everything,
a bit broken, a bit healed;
not to be separated into groups of the broken and healed
but to be put into one to make a person;
A person who cannot be defined or undefined,
but one who has everything from happiness to sadness.

The only difference is the way people react to these different emotions
and events in their lives;
so don't go judging a person because there may be bad but there may be good,
there may be confidence but there may helplessness,
and no person can be defined as only one.

The Soul 2/19/07

the darkness nestles in my bosom,
seeping into my veins,
taking control of my body,
pulling me down,
flooding my insides,
crowding my eyes with black;
sensing my soul,
and cringing as if it were poison;
slowly spilling throughout my senses
but my soul;
no,
my soul is pure, and clean,
it cannot purge the evanescent light
shining through,
and slowly, very slowly,
it fades;
little by little,
disappearing,
slipping out in silence,
but leaving behind its hue,
darkness,
forever near,
but never overcoming
-the soul.

Regret 2/19/07

Maybe one day it won't be there,
The pain will subside,
I'll be released;
But somehow i know,
It will always be there,
Eating away at my insides,
But the smile won't fade;
Maybe he won't notice,
I hope so,
Maybe he will,
I hope so;
Even within my mind
The turmoil won't cease,
Desist,
Stop;
Yet somehow it's comforting
-that my conscience is not clear;
I am not evil,
An animal,
Emotionless,
And guilt cannot avoid me;
My right,
My gift,
Given by she who turned away
-her best friend,
Maybe even lover,
But love?
ha!
Who deserves a lover like me?
Only the worst,
The most decrepit, worthless creatures
-to walk the Earth;
Maybe a ghoul or goblin,
I should wait for Halloween;
But the pain is well-deserved,
Destiny has finally caught up,
Not gratuitous,
Yet somehow fulfilling,
As if I've waited for this pain
-all my life,
How satisfying pain can be,
And how scary this must sound;
No not cutting myself!
How pathetic that would be,
and not actually hurting myself;
But pain can go deeper:
Lieing
-to yourself,
Taking away
-what you most crave,
Comments
-that maim the soul;
By the end my soul should be dead,
But it still lives, barely;
Not for long.


worthless

he speaks,
but all i hear is silence
because the eyes are alight
-with animation,
another attempt to suffocate
that which is already dead,
but he does not understand
and i listen, but barely,
he starts to defend himself,
why?
i am his follower,
in body, mind, and heart;
why, then, defend?
i do not know,
suddenly his eyes go blank
and he leaves,
to exercise his thoughts away;
while i'm left,
pondering my pettiness.

2/18/07

Blinding light,

Colors fade and intensify,

Blurs of tears and emotions

Dropping to mingle on my lips.

Damp and wet,

Yet they won't stop.

Faster and faster,

Soon ill just die in a crash.

Too much of everything

-and nothing.

Just stop,

Forget everything,

Move on,

But the rain doesn't stop;

Flooding my senses,

Soon ill just drown in it.

Overcome yet still fighting,

Kicking hard,

Water level keeps rising,

Till finally it drains,

Finally peace,

But none left,

Only unhappiness,

And the memory of what ive done.