a feeling of hopelessness......

yes that is how i've felt for a while now

college applications
GPA
ACT
6-yr med. school
leaving home
leaving friends
leaving security
meeting strangers
leaving my childhood
becoming responsible
start dating

fears of so much fill me with such desparity.
what can i do?
every second i just want to cry....

and then i have a job
so no time for homework
skipping some of swim practice
meeting fun new people that i know i can't hang out with unless we're at work(boys)
senior pictures
fear of failing
ready to give up, nearly
then i save myself, somehow
optimism spills in
negativity engulfs me
left with feelings of confusion
every second i just want to cry
stay away in a desolate, secluded corner
and for some reason i tell no one
why?
i do not know
i fear to let all in
yet it pains me so
what is wrong with me?
its not easy to speak
not easy to say what u want
what ur heart desires
and then i fear if i let all in
they may not understand
or they may ( in a guys perspective) start to like me
so i stay secluded
stupid decision right?
well yes im stupid
no doubts there
pressures from everywhere
who said senior yr was easy?
id like to give them a piece of my mind
.......

.......

i just.....

don't want to be old and regret
i want to experience all and none
security in doing nothing.
doing all that ur parents tell u to

Complete Obedience

how can u leave that?
how can u leave and go straight to independence?

so much fear
a frightened little girl
and yet the tear won't come

.......

......

atleast i let the words out

now maybe the tears will follow

maybe

........

........

Forgotten Memory 9/28/07

An image remaining from long years before,
Waiting for a backward glance,
Its smile filled with irony
At its own forgotten self,
Just waiting for a backward glance
To blow away the fog,
Reimbibe those lost senses,
From memories of old,
To somehow connect to to new
And renew,
Growing in fondness, endurance,
But sadly it is only a hope,
A weak one, growing weaker,
While the old wished remain unfulfilled,
Left to be hidden in the dust.

The Fears Of One Girl 10/2/07

Time to stop the ruse,
The rigidity of rules is almost at its close,
The hands have almost relinquished,
And the doubt remains,
What is independence worth with virginity clinging
to my lips?
Simply through fear of self-doubt
And corruption,
Fear of holding the offered hand
Of sweet freedom and dark consequences,
Unaccomplished extremities staring openly,
Yet my character resists the urge to try,
And undones remain undone,
While the questions have an air of degradation,
For the naivete of one girl,
Whose life is so closed
That a breath of fresh air pains her lungs,
Who've constricted too much these 17 years,
And at the brink of total womanhood,
She trembles.
The only one to do so
In the long line of ones before, ones behind.